10 Things People With Dementia Wish You Knew

Communicating with people who have dementia can be difficult, especially if they are nonresponsive and stare at you. Dementia affects people's memory, communication skills, judgement, and executive functioning.

When dealing with the frustrating aspects of communication difficulties, remember that there are things you can do to respect the feelings and needs of someone with dementia.

This article covers 10 things someone with dementia might point out, including how you can be respectful and courteous and how you can help them and help yourself work through this disease.

Elderly mother and her daughter snuggling in a blanket
 Image Source/ Getty Images

1. They’d Like a Little Respect

People with Alzheimer’s or another dementia aren’t children. They’re adults who had jobs, families, and responsibilities. They may have been very accomplished in their field. They are mothers and fathers, sisters, and brothers.

Avoid talking to them like they are children. Treat them how you would like to be treated if it was you with dementia.

2. They’re Not Deaf

Yes, you may need to slow down the amount of information you provide at once or use a few other strategies to effectively communicate. But you don’t need to speak very loudly if they don’t have a hearing impairment.

In the middle and later stages of the disease, communication can become more difficult. You may need a quiet place where you can have one-on-one conversations with minimal distractions. Other strategies to improve communication include speaking slowly and clearly, maintaining eye contact, and giving the person plenty of time to respond.

3. They’re Not Wrong About Everything

It happens often: The person with dementia is almost completely ignored when they say something, whether it’s about their level of pain or what happened yesterday when their grandson came to visit.

You can’t always believe everything that you hear from someone with dementia, but give them the courtesy to show that they might be correct periodically.

4. They Might Be Bored

Is your friend with dementia staring off into space and zoning out? This could be because their ability to process information is decreased. Cognitive decline may not be very noticeable in the early stages of dementia, but it becomes more and more obvious as the disease progresses.

However, it might also be that they need something other than Bingo to fill their time. Make sure they have something to do besides sit there. People with dementia need meaningful activities.

For someone in the middle to late stages of Alzheimer's, indoor activities can include listening to music, looking at photo albums, playing games like checkers or dominos, doing a puzzle, and reading the newspaper together. Outdoor activities include taking a walk, planting flowers, watering plants, raking leaves, sitting on a bench or swing, playing catch or horseshoes, having a picnic, and visiting a beach or forest.

Dementia and Staring

Dementia symptoms are different for everyone and can occur at any stage. Sometimes losing the ability to focus and pay attention can make someone stare blankly. Staring off into space shows that the person is not engaged in the environment. It could also be a symptom of Lewy body dementia.

5. A Poor Memory Can Be Scary

Not being able to remember something can be very anxiety-provoking and frightening. This can be true whether the person is in the early stages of dementia and very aware of their problems, as well as in the middle stages where life can just feel constantly uncomfortable because nothing is familiar.

Games can be helpful when it comes to keeping memory problems at bay. There is some evidence that crossword puzzles and word games may slow cognitive decline. Even better is playing a game with other people, like dominos or cards, because social engagement is also good for the brain.

6. Just Because They Can't Remember Your Name Doesn't Mean You Aren't Important to Them

Don’t take it personally. In the early stages, it might be your name that they can’t recall. In the middle stages, it may be entire events that are gone and even if you retell the story, it might not come back to them. This is not because they don’t care, it wasn’t meaningful to them, or they’re somehow choosing to forget it. It’s the disease.

7. They Are Not to Blame for Their Disease

It’s not their fault. Yes, there are some things that research says may reduce the chances of developing Alzheimer’s, but there are many people who have developed the disease despite practicing those healthy habits to prevent Alzheimer's.

We still aren’t sure exactly what triggers Alzheimer’s to develop, so let go of the thought that they should’ve done this or that to avoid the disease. It's of no help to either one of you.

8. How You Say Something Can Be More Important Than What You Say

Your tone and nonverbal body language are very important. Be genuine and aware of what your nonverbal gestures, sighs, rolling of the eyes, or loud voice is communicating.

Even if you don't know what to say, it's okay. It's more important that you are there with the person. Your presence shows that you care.

9. Look for the Reason Behind Their Behaviors

Don’t just write off a challenging behavior as if they were choosing to be difficult that day. Most often, there’s a reason that they are acting the way they are. This can include becoming resistive because they’re in pain, being combative with care because they’re feeling anxious or paranoid, or wandering away because they’re restless.

Take the time to work on figuring out why the behavior is there and how you can help the person, instead of first suggesting a psychoactive medication.

10. They Need You

And, you need them. Don’t let dementia rob you both of more than their memory. Continue to spend time with them and nurture the relationship. Although Alzheimer’s changes things, we don’t have to let it have the power to divide loved ones. You both will benefit from the time you enjoy together.

Summary

Watching a loved one go through the stages of dementia isn't easy, but there are things you can do to show your support and love. Time is a valuable gift. Spending your time with a friend or family member who has dementia shows them that you care.

Give people with dementia respect by talking to them like an adult. Get them to engage in social activities, like playing dominos, cards, or checkers, which help combat some of the symptoms of dementia. Be mindful of your body language, and if someone with dementia forgets something important to you, remember, it's not them, it's the disease.

5 Sources
Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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  2. MedlinePlus. Dementia.

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  4. Duong S, Patel T, Chang F. Dementia: What pharmacists need to know. Can Pharm J (Ott). 2017;150(2):118-129. doi:10.1177/1715163517690745

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By Esther Heerema, MSW
Esther Heerema, MSW, shares practical tips gained from working with hundreds of people whose lives are touched by Alzheimer's disease and other kinds of dementia.